The Hustler of Notre Dame
by flanazapam
Summary: Ok so this is my spoof of the famous Disney movie. It's in bad taste so it's not for the kiddies. xD I think it shouldn't even be said: HoND copyright Victor Hugo and Disney.
1. Chapter 1

Clopin: [singing but not yet seen]

Morning in Paris, the city awakes

To the hoes of Notre Dame!

The ones 'round the corner, the ones on the street,

They're the hoes of Notre Dame!

From the big ho as fat as a blue whale,

To the little ho thin as a twig…

And some say the soul of the city's

The hollerin' hoes

The hoes of Notre Dame!

[Scene zooms in on what appears to be a mobile puppet theatre which is in the middle of the street for some strange reason. Clopin can be seen inside said puppet theatre.]

Clopin: *watching kids playing on the street*hmm….gotta get me some of that ass…

Kids: *stop playing and notice Clopin's puppet theatre, immediately going over* Oooh! A puppet show!!!

Clopin: *hadn't been paying attention to the fact that he was still wearing a puppet of himself on his hand* Ah, yes! *looks at hand* A puppet show! Gather 'round, children! The more the merrier!

Kids: *gather around Clopin's puppet theatre* Tell us a story, Mr. Stranger!

Clopin: Very well…but you ALL have to promise you'll come inside after the show! I have candy and surprises waiting for y'all! *smiles slyly* I promise you, you'll love it!

Kids: *unsuspecting* Okay, Mr. Stranger!

Clopin: Well, then. I shall begin to tell the tale by asking you all one question…

Kids: *in unison* yes, Mr. Stranger, sir?

Clopin: Are you hot cuz I'm hot! I think we should al take off our clothes, kiddies!

Kids: *give Clopin a puzzled look* …

Clopin: *nervous* Nevermind! Actually, what I _really_ wanted to ask you was, do you know who rings the bells of the Notre Dame cathedral?

Kids: Ehm, no…

Clopin: Well, I shall tell you right now, that is one of Notre Dame's most mysterious mysteries! No one knows how he got there, or if he's even real, but I'll tell you the tale nonetheless…

Kid: *interrupts Clopin as he was about to begin* How do YOU know the story, then, if no one knows for sure that he's real?

Clopin: The bells don't ring by themselves, idiot. Now shut the fuck up, bitch!

Kid: *cries* I'm telling my mummy!!! *runs off, sobbing*

Clopin: *smiles* Now, where was I? Ah, yes! *goes into singing mode again* [Flashback begins]

Dark was the night when this nightmare begun

On the docks of Notre Dame.

Four runaway hookers slid silently under

The docks of Notre Dame.

But a trap had been laid for the hookers,

And they gasped in pure fear and alarm

At a figure whose clutches

Were iron as much as

The bells of Notre Dame.

Chorus: Take it from us, we know…

Hooker One: HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S PIMP CLAUDE FROLLO!!

Hooker Two: RUN, BITCHES!!!!

Clopin:

Pimp Claude Frollo longed to plunge the world

In vice and sin…

Chorus: Hoes and Cognac are the shit….

Clopin:

And he sought the hookers

Who had run from him…

Frollo: *looking at the four runaway hookers trembling before him in their skimpy outfits* Take these hookers to my chambers. Imma have to slap a hoe tonight…

Guard: Pimp Claude Frollo! That hooker over there holds something in her arms!

Frollo: *looks at Quasi's Mum* BITCH! Gimme my money! I know you stole it!

Quasi's Mum: *looks at him, frozen in fear*

Frollo: *impatiently looks at guard* Don't just stand there, motherfucker! Get that bitch!

Quasi's Mum: *takes advantage of the moment and runs away*

Frollo: *chases after her on horseback* SOMEBODY STOP THAT BITCH!!

Quasi's Mum: *runs and jumps over a small fence in an alley*

[Frollo, while still chasing after her, gets hit on the head by the local drug peddler's hanging sign]

Frollo: FUCKING SHIT, THAT HURT!

[The chase continued until Frollo ran into the same fence which Quasi's mum had jumped with ease]

Frollo: *angrily looking at the fence* Who the FUCK puts a fucking fence in the middle of this fucking alley!? This ain't Mexico!

[Deciding that the fence could not be overcome by horseback, Frollo took the long way instead and galloped until he had just about caught up with Quasi's Mum]

Frollo: *hollering* I'm NOT going to say this again, bitch! Gimme the damn money!!

Quasi's Mum: *knocking on the front door of Notre Dame cathedral* HELP!! RAPE!!! RAPE!!! RAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!!!!

[The doors remained closed. It was then that Quasi's Mum remember what she had been taught in ninth grade health class.]

Quasi's Mum: FIIIRE!!!! HEEEELLPPP!!!! FIIIIIREEEEEEEE!!!!

[At once, the Archdeacon took notice]

Archdeacon: [from within the cathedral] Just a moment! I'll be right out!!!

[Frollo, taking advantage of the fact that Quasi's Mum hadn't noticed him, took hold of the bundle]

Frollo: *pulling at the bundle* I told you to let go of the money, bitch! I KNOW it's in here!

[Quasi's Mum struggled to keep hold of the bundle.]

[Frollo kicks Quasi's Mum in the face, causing her to let go of the bundle and fall to the ground, hitting her head on the steps of Notre Dame. The fall kills her.]

Archdeacon: [finally makes it to the door, but is still in the Cathedral] Hold on a little bit longer! I just need to unlock this door!

Frollo: *looks at Quasi's Mum* serves her right, that lying ho!

[Frollo then takes full hold of the bundle.]

Frollo: *absentmindedly starts to unwrap the bundle* now to find my---WHAT THE…HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS _THIS_?! IS THIS A JOKE!?

[Frollo took one good look at the thing that was wrapped in the bundle.]

Frollo: This has got to be the UGLIEST prom night dumpster baby I have ever laid eyes on… *looks at it with disgust* I better put this ugly-ass motherfucker out of his misery…

[Frollo spots a well conveniently placed in his periphery.]

Archdeacon: *opens the door in dramatic fashion as Frollo is about to drown the baby* STOP!!!!

Frollo: *pauses* Oh, who the fuck is it NOW!? *glances over at the Archdeacon* Oh, it's you. What do you want, fool?

Archdeacon: Don't drop that baby in the well!

Frollo: Don't be talking shit! This here's a demon from Hell! Fucker needs to be thrown down a well like that bitch from "The Ring"!

Archdeacon: …

Frollo: What?! SOS Children's Villages sure as fuck ain't gonna take him in!

Archdeacon: *in thoughtful voice* Children's Villages, you say….Where's that at?

Frollo: …

Archdeacon: *breaks into song, looking at Frollo with stern eyes*

See the innocent ho you have killed

On the streets of Notre Dame!

Now you would add this tard's blood

To your guilt,

On the streets of Notre Dame!

Frollo: Monster's a tard, I'll give you that. But, I didn't do nothin'! Bitch ran with my money!

Archdeacon:

You can lie to yourself and your homies,

You can claim you did not kill this skank.

But you never can run from,

Nor hide whom you've fucked from the eyes,

The pervert eyes of Notre Dame!

Chorus: that's distuuuurbing…

Clopin:

And for one time in his life

Of pimping and control…

Frollo felt a smidge of fear

For his hard hustlin' soul…

Frollo: What the Hell do I do, then, you prick?

Archdeacon: *looks at Frollo* You must care for the child…

Frollo: FUCK NO I AIN'T GONNA TAKE CARE OF NO DEFORMED BITCH-ASS TWIT!

[Suddenly, a half-naked little boy comes out of the cathedral.]

Little Boy: *confused* What's going on, father? You said you'd come back quickly and continue to teach me about God…

Archdeacon: *dismayed* Get back in there! I _told_ you not to come out!

Little Boy: Okay, father… *goes back in*

Frollo: *blinks* Aight, dawg! I'll take care of this bitch. But, let him stay with you, in the Cathedral. You seem to have a way with children…

Archdeacon: *whispers* score!

Frollo: *sings*

Just so he's kept locked away

Where no one here may see…

Even this poor nigga may

Yet one day prove to be

A hustlin' king…

Archdeacon: Well, okay. But…he's gonna need to get out of those clothes.

Frollo: …

Clopin: [narrating again] Frollo gave the child a cruel name. Quasimodo, meaning half-formed…

Now here is a rhyme so listen up clear,

Sing the hoes of Notre Dame.

Who is the hustler and who is the ho?

Sing the sluts sluts sluts sluts sluuuuuuuts,

Sluts of Notre Dame!

[Flashback over]

Kids: Whoa!!!

Clopin: So now they say the bells are rung by the monster of whom I have told.

Kids: Wow!

Clopin: *smiles* Well, that's it, kids. Now, come inside and I'll let you touch my bells…


	2. Chapter 2

The Hustler of Notre Dame: Chapter Two

[Setting: The Bell Tower of Notre Dame]

[Quasimodo, now 20 years old, stands next to a stone gargoyle, overlooking the city, when he notices a baby bird slumbering on a nest in the gargoyle's mouth.]

Quasimodo: *picks up the bird* Rise and shine, asshole! This ain't a shelter!

[He holds the bird in his hand, over the ground hundreds of feet below him.]

Quasimodo: time to fly, bitch!

[Quasimodo releases the bird, which freefalls to its cementy doom due to the fact that it couldn't yet fly.]

Hugo: *spits feathers from his mouth* more like "time to die", heh?

Quasimodo: *laughs a dumb laugh* Yeah. Dumb fuck.

Victor: Talkin bout dumb fucks, isn't today the Festival of Stool?

Quasimodo: *heaves a deep sigh* Yeah. I wish I could go down there and throw shit like a normal person.

Victor: Well, watching's always fun…

Quasimodo: Yeah, but I want to know what it's like, being normal and stuff. Alas, I'm a monster! A horrible, worthless monster!

Hugo: You've got a point.

Laverne: *hits Hugo* Oh, Queasy—I mean, Quasi! Don't listen to these faggots! You're not a monster! You've got…clothes! Monsters don't wear clothes. So there you go.

Quasimodo: Thanks, Laverne. You're a sweet stone woman.

Victor: *is surprised* You're a woman?!! And to THINK that I---

Laverne: Yeah, of course I am! Isn't it obvious!?

Hugo: Wait, WHAT?! You're a chick!?

Laverne: T__T

Quasimodo: Anyway…I still can't go to the Festival of Stool because…because…*sobs* because I'm a FREAK!!!

Hugo: Aw, don't be so upset. If Joan Rivers can go out in public, why can't you? You look fine compared to her!

Quasimodo: *cheers up* Hey, you know what? You're right!! Imma go to that festival and throw feces at people!!! *skips towards staircase*

Gargoyles: *cheer* Go Quasi! It's ya birthday! You gonna party like it's ya birthday!

[Suddenly, Pimp Claude Frollo enters the bell tower, causing the commotion to cease with his mere presence.]

Frollo: *smirks* Why, hello, Quasimodo! How are you on this fine day?

Quasimodo: *stutters* w…wwhh…why, hello, Master! I…I'm fine, thanks…for asking.

Frollo: *surveys the scene* Hmm. May I ask, where are you off to today? You look awfully happy…

Quasimodo: I…I'm not goin' nowhere, Master, sir. Imma stay right here *gulps*

Frollo: Damn right, you are!

[Frollo walks towards a nearby table and stops to look at the now motionless gargoyles.]

Frollo: *irritated* what the fuck is this? *points at gargoyles*

Quasimodo: They're…my friends, Master.

Frollo: Don't fucking lie to me, boy! What inanimate object would ever want to be friends with your ugly ass!?

Quasimodo: *sobs* You're right, Master! I'm a monster!!! Hideous, just that!

Frollo: You a smart nigga. Now get this shit outta my face before I have to pimp slap you, bitch! *points at gargoyles*

Quasimodo: but Master, where should I put them?

Frollo: *smiles curtly* In the garbage, where they belong.

Quasimodo: *cries* but…I like them, Master!

Frollo: More of a reason to get rid of them, then. Everyone knows that revolting monsters have no taste when it comes to interior design.

Quasimodo: *lies* I won't throw them away…until nightfall, Master. That way, I won't disturb the people with my horrible face!

Frollo: That's a great idea. Now, go get me something to drink, idiot!

Quasimodo: *goes over to get the cups* Yes, master, sir…

[Quasimodo comes back with a diamond-encrusted golden chalice which has the word "PIMP" engraved on it and a splintery, poorly fashioned wooden chalice. He hands the former to Pimp Claude Frollo.]

Frollo: *pours some Cognac into his chalice* I gotta get my fix for today…

Quasimodo: *pours rubbing alcohol into his "chalice"* Master, do you think maybe someday I could have Cognac too?

Frollo: *laughs* Don't be silly, nigga! Cognac is for pimps, not monsters.

Quasimodo: *slaps self on the forehead* of course…

Frollo: Now, let's practice your alphabet, shall we?

Quasimodo: *in a sad tone* Yes, master…

Frollo: "A"?

Quasimodo: Acid.

Frollo: "B"?

Quasimodo: Booze.

Frollo: "C"?

Quasimodo: Crack Cocaine.

Frollo: "D"?

Quasimodo: Dope.

Frollo: "E"?

Quasimodo: Ecstasy.

Frollo: "F"?

Quasimodo: *absentmindedly* Feces.

Frollo: *clears throat* Excuse me?

Quasimodo: SHIT!!

Frollo: What?!

Quasimodo: *nervously* I mean…um…

Frollo: *regaining control* You said "feces" and "shit". You wish to attend the Festival of Stool.

Quasimodo: Well…you go every year, Master, sir.

Frollo: I must go! I…am a hustler! But I don't enjoy a moment of it! Thieves and beggars all mixed together in a shallow pool of shit!

[Frollo makes his way down the staircase. Quasimodo follows him.]

Frollo: *turns to look at Quasimodo* Why can't you understand, nigga? When your ho of a mum dumped you on her way to senior prom, any other fucker would've killed you!

Quasimodo: *sigh* I know, master.

Frollo: Yet you don't UH-PREE-SHE-EIGHT what I'm tryin ta do for you!

Quasimodo: Yes I do, Master! I'd do ANYTHING for you…

Frollo: *weirded out* are you coming on to me?

Quasimodo: …

Frollo: *pretends Quasimodo never said that and breaks into song*

The 'hood is cruel,

Police are wicked.

It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city.

I am your one true friend.

I who pimp you, teach you and caress you.

I who gaze upon you with no fear.

How can I protect you, fool, unless you

Always stay in here

Away in here…

[Frollo walks back up to the belltower. Quasimodo follows him again.]

Frollo:

You are deformed…

Quasimodo:

I am deformed.

Frollo:

You're fucking ugly…

Quasimodo:

I'm fucking ugly!!

Frollo:

And these are crimes

For which the world

Shows you no mercy.

You do not comprehend…

Quasimodo:

I am a hunchbacked loser…

Frollo: That's right, Quasimodo.

Quasimodo: *sobs* I should just die!!

Frollo: *nods*

Out there they'll reject you as a loser.

Out there they'll throw shit at you and jeer.

Why invite that horrid kind of humiliation?

Stay in here, away in here…

Be grateful to me

Quasimodo: I'm grateful.

Frollo: *glares at Quasimodo*

Fucking loser…

Do as I say

Obey

And stay

In heeeeeeeere.

Quasimodo: *teary eyed* Yes, Master! I hope you can forgive me!

Frollo: Shut the fuck up, Quasimodo!

Quasimodo: As you wish, master.

Frollo: Now, I better not catch you anywhere but within the walls of this bell tower. Monsters don't belong in the presence of people.

Quasimodo: *cries* no, they don't.

Frollo: *in a severe tone* Good. Always remember, Quasimodo. This isn't merely an ice-cold pit of filth. This…is your crib.

Quasimodo: *sighs* My crib…

Frollo: *in a cheerful tone*Anyway, I'm off to screw some sluts! TTYL!

[Frollo leaves. Quasimodo remains.]

Quasimodo: Man, my life sucks! Master Frollo doesn't understand! If I don't get some tail soon, Imma kill some bitches like those Columbine faggots!

Victor: Poor Quasimodo…

Quasimodo: I should just do the world a favour and jump out of this damn bell tower!! My life is so dark and miserable!!! They all have no idea what it's like to be like me!! What it's like to be fugly!!

[Quasimodo looks down at Paris from high above in the bell tower.]

Quasimodo: *sings again*

Safe behind my filthy crib and four walls of cold stone,

Gazing at the fuckers down below me.

All my life I watch them as I'm up here getting stoned,

Hungry for the miseries they show me.

All my life I've memorized their places,

Stalking them cuz they will never fuck me.

All my life I wonder how it feels to suck a cock,

Not above them,

But part of them…

And out there

Living as the hoes

Gimme one day out there!

All I ask is one

To hold forever

Out there

Walkin in my underwear!

Yes I'd eat

Pubic hair

Just to live one day out there!

Out there among the dealers and the killers

And their knives

Slip'n roofies in some drinks to rape girls.

Everyday I hear and see the beaten,

Mis'rable wives,

Heedless of the gift it is to be them.

If I was in their skin

I'd treasure every beating!

Out there

Snortin' by the Seine.

Taste the vodka

Out there

Like ordinary men

Who freely pimp about there

Just one day and then

I swear

I'll be content,

With my share

Won't repent

Or regret

I'll get AIDS

I won't care

I'll have spent

One day

Out there…

-End of Chapter Two-


	3. Chapter 3

The Hustler of Notre Dame: Chapter Three

[Setting: The Streets of Paris.]

[Phoebus is wandering around Paris holding a map. His horse walks alongside him.]

Phoebus: *holding map* Oh shit! I'm holding the map upside down!! No wonder I can't understand this shit!

[Phoebus turns the map right side up.]

Phoebus: *studying the map* Now…let's see—WAIT! This isn't a map of Paris!! This is a map to McDonald's!

[Phoebus crumbles the paper, decides that the map may prove itself to be useful at some point, uncrumbles it and pockets it.]

Phoebus: Guess I'm gonna have to find the Palce of Pimping all by—whoa, MAMA!!

[Phoebus spots a gypsy lady dancing on the street for coins.]

Esmeralda: *dancing whilst beating her tambourine* That's right, everyone! Stare at my juicy ass and gimme your money!

Djali: *goes around pickpocketing the mesmerized idiots* baaaa.

Phoebus: *drooling* Look at that piece of ass!

Horse: *jealous tone* Hey, keep it in your pants, okay?

[Esmeralda keeps dancing until two guards seize her.]

Guard One: Hey, bitch! Remember me? I paid for three hours and you left after thirty minutes!

Guard Two: Yeah, and he wants his money back!

Esmeralda: *shifty eyed* I dunno what you're talking about…

Guard One: Don't lie to me, you cheap whore! I know it was you!

Guard Two: Let's all be diplomatic, you guys. We'll make a deal. If you give us half and hour with your goat, we'll forget all about this…

Djali: O_o''

Esmeralda: *points at random alley* Hey look! Is that Brad Pitt walking yonder?!

Guard One: *excitedly turns to look* I hope so! I always thought that he was dreamy…

Guard Two: *turns around as well* Oh wait! I think I see him over there!

Esmeralda: [to Djali] Quick, bitch! Grab the money and let's beat it!

Djali: *grabs the hat full of money* baaa!!

[Esmeralda and Djali disappear from view as Phoebus draws nearer.]

Guard One: *sees Phoebus* That's not Brad Pitt! That Gypsy bitch tricked us!!

Guard Two: He's still dreamy, though…Maybe he, the goat and I can schedule a little somethin' together sometime…

Guard One: …

Phoebus: *clears throat* Excuse me, men. Do you know how I can get to the Palace of Pimping. I accidentally grabbed a map to McDonald's instead of a map of Paris.

Guard Two: *excitedly* Oooh! We can take you there!

Phoebus: You can?!

Guard Two: Yeah! We'll take you!

[The guards escort Phoebus to the Palace of Pimping. Phone numbers are exchanged.]

Phoebus: Gee, thanks a million!

Guard Two: *blushes and giggles*

Guard One: Well, we'll see ya around!

Phoebus: Yeah, I'll see ya around!

Guard Two: Call me!! Or text me!! Whatever works best for you!

[Phoebus enters the Palace of Pimping and goes down to the dungeons, where Pimp Claude Frollo awaits him.]

Frollo: *smoking a cigar* Ahh, I see you finally decided to show up. You're twenty minutes late, bitch!

Phoebus: I'm sorry, Pimp Claude Frollo. It's just that I got lost because I grabbed a map to McDonald's by accident.

Frollo: *explodes* McDonald's?! This ain't no damn McDonald's you retarded piece of shit!!!

Phoebus: *scared* I'm so sorry…

[In the background, the sounds of whipping can be heard, along with ear-piercing screams.]

Frollo: Yeah. You better be sorry or else you gonna end up like that stupid ho over there gettin' her ass beat!

Phoebus: *gulp*

Frollo: Now, suck my dick before I decide to change my mind and surrender you to the torturer.

Phoebus: *weirded out* But…I'm not like that.

Frollo: *explodes again* Yes, you ARE!!! You know why?! Cuz you're nothin' but a dirty tramp, Captain Phoebus!! You're a fucking bitch!! NEVER FORGET THAT, HO!

Phoebus: *terrified* Alright, alright, I get it…

Frollo: Excellent. Now, get on your knees.

Phoebus: *cries and gets on his knees* Yes, sir…

Frollo: *smirks* suck it.

[So, um, they do that for like twenty minutes. Phoebus cries like a little bitch the whole time.]

Frollo: Well, now that we got that over with, let's talk business.

Phoebus: *in a corner, in fetal position, crying* The horror!!!

Frollo: *clears throat* You might want to clean that off your face…

Phoebus: *breaks down into sobs* I feel so dirty!!!

Frollo: *completely ignoring Phoebus' cry* Anyway…I brought you here to talk about a serious issue.

Phoebus: *teary-eyed* what is it?

Frollo: It's those motherfucking gypsies. They're stealing business from me!

Phoebus: How so, sir?

Frollo: They have their own network with hoes like La Esmeralda.

Phoebus: I see.

Frollo: *lightens up* Oh, but she's not the problem! She's so beautiful! *sigh*

Phoebus: *confused* Pimp Daddy Frollo?

Frollo: *regains severity* No. The problem is her goat. Not even my bustiest, nastiest set of hoes can compete with that fucking goat!

Phoebus: Yeah, I know what you mean…

Frollo: *gets all angry again* It's the goat we must get rid of, Captain Phoebus!

Phoebus: How are we going to do that?

Frollo: We must find the Court of Lunatics. That is where the Gypsies live.

Phoebus: What will happen after we find said court, sir?

Frollo: *laughing maniacally* We arrest the heathen gypsies, kill the fucking goat, and La Esmeralda shall be mine!!

Phoebus: *pouts* Must we kill the goat?

Frollo: Yes.

Phoebus: Can't I keep it?

Frollo: No.

Phoebus: *cries* Then I won't help you.

Frollo: *sigh* Very well. You can have your way with it before it dies.

Phoebus: Okay.

Frollo: Now, come along, Captain Phoebus. The Festival of Stool is about to begin.

Phoebus: *excited* Oh, boy!

[Frollo and Phoebus leave the Palace of Pimping and take to the streets of Paris, where the Festival is being held.]

--End of Chapter Three--


End file.
